Pick up a copy of "Life of Brain" and "The Comic's Book"
"You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby's ok."
"Give a man a fish and you can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour."
"My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I am telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman."
"This beer my wife handed me for the football pre-game show looks an awful lot like a vacuum."